Hilarious things in Twilight

After my post about sexism in Twilight I decided to make a post just detailing some hodgepodge things I found hilarious about the books.

I am not the first person to point this out but. Here is a description of Bella from the book.

“I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete"

And now here is Meyer's description of Bella

"very fair-skinned, with long, straight, dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. Her face is heart-shaped—a wide forehead with a widow's peak, large, wide-spaced eyes, prominent cheekbones, and then a thin nose and a narrow jaw with a pointed chin. Her lips are a little out of proportion, a bit too full for her jaw line. Her eyebrows are darker than her hair and more straight than they are arched. She's five foot four inches tall, slender but not at all muscular, and weighs about 115 pounds.”

Now what is wrong with that you may be asking yourselves? Well here is a picture of stepheney Meyer.

That's right she was describing herself, the book is pretty clearly self-insertion fiction, but this? This is almost to good to be true.

Then there is the name Bella Swan, Bella meaning beautiful (the ugly duckling get it?).

Then there is the time Stephen King said that Meyer 'cant write worth a damn', then something amazing happened Twilight fans on the internet began accusing Stephen King of being jealous of Meyer's success....STEPHEN KING! This is the man who has written dozens of best selling novels, the person who is basically the most well known horror author of all time, the man who has inspired the movie that formed the cornerstone of modern horror (Stanley Kubrick’s Masterpiece 'The Shining'),

And on top of that there is no shortage of hilarious quotes.

"traitor tears were on my cheeks, betraying me."

*clap* clap* *clap*

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

Jesus Wept

"'Aren't you hungry?' he asked, distracted. 'No.' I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full - full of butterflies."

*groan* I think my head just exploded.

"I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry."

That is just about the creepiest thing I have ever heard, "while watching you sleep", he says it in such a manner of fact manner, like its something normal.

"This is the skin of a killer!"

"It gets easier. After a few decades, everyone you know is dead. Problem solved"

He's a keeper

"He was both dazzling and dazzled."

No comment

Sorry about some of the formatting problems in this post.

Sexism in Twilight

It is no secret that I hate Twilight; I hate its purple prose filled writing, I hate the Mary Sue author surrogate, I hate its paper-thin plot, but most of all I hate the sexism. When I read the books I was shocked but continued on so that I could construct an informed viewpoint of the novels (I may write something about the films at a later date).

Now you may be asking why is it sexist? It is sexist from a number of viewpoints but one of the most offensive facets is the glamorization of an abusive relationship. And that is all it is the relationship between Bella and Edward is abusive and only becomes worse as the saga progresses.

From the very first book Bella is presented as a horrible cluts who cant take five steps without needing the ‘shudder’ statuesque Edward to swoop in and save her. And on that topic why does she constantly call him statuesque "his statuesque lips", "his statuesque abbs", "his statuesque sculpting (I made the last one up). "I kissed his cold statuesque lips" argh, how is that even appealing!

As soon as Bella falls for Edwards that’s it…all ambitions of higher education, career and personal education go out the window and are never spoken of again the only future Bella can get her ‘female’ mind to think of is marrying Edward. And when he leaves her in New moon she goes into a catatonic state and does nothing for months on end, and then purposely puts herself in life threatening situation so she can hear his voice again, eventually they get back together, sending the message to teenage girls everywhere that if he leaves you he doesn’t mean it and all you have to do to get him back, is simply destroy your life to prove you love him.

Spot the 'role-model'

Bella is subtly portrayed as an Eve character trying to tempt Edward into sin, while he remains stoic in keeping his purity.

Pictured ‘subtlety'

Throughout the series every single female character is revealed to be just a horrible cardboard sexist cutout, every one of the female vampires even Alice (flighty, obsessed with clothing, and partying, weaker than all the male vampires, and obsessed and subservient to the every whim of Jasper) and every human females character (they are all stupid and superficial and don’t warrant any attention. At least Bella actually spoke to the human males).


When the abusive side of the relationship reaches a fever pitch, e.g. moments like Edward removing the engine out of Bella’s car, or him telling her she cant be friends with Jacob, or Edward threatening her; she dismisses it with the terrifying qualifier ‘he is just a tad overprotective’ and the always a classic ‘he does it because he loves me’.

And then there is Jacob. Jacob was so close to being an interesting character, he was so much better for Bella than Edward (but in fairness Charles Manson, would be better for Bella than Edward), but then this happened

“His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible. I shoved against his chest will all my strength, but he didn't even seem to notice. His mouth was soft, despite the anger, his lips molding mine in a warm, unfamiliar way.
I grabbed at his face, trying to push it away, failing again. He seemed to notice this time, though, and it aggravated him. His lips forced mine open, and I could feel his hot breath in my mouth.
Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn't fight, didn't feel... just waited for him to stop.
It worked. The anger seemed to evaporate, and he pulled back to look at me. He pressed his lips softly to mine again, once, twice... a third time. I pretended I was a statue and waited.”


What the fruck?! And then it happened again! I am not going to quote the entire passage, but basically the same thing happens, Jacob kisses Bella until she likes it. Well gee thanks Meyer you are really setting a good example, ‘guys, Just sexually assault her until she likes it’.
At this point the book was halfway across the room, and I was reading Simone de Beauvoir’s the second sex, and about to flick through ‘A Vindication Of The Rights Of Women’. After that episode I tentatively looked on the internet to see what actual Twilight fans said about it, which is how I found myself on the Twilight forum, what I saw their scarred me, after almost being blinded by the color scheme, I was treated to a bunch of rabid fan talking about how it wasn’t sexual assault urgh.


Also in the final book Edward tears into Bella’s uterus with his teeth, in order to perform a makeshift caesarian. That had nothing to do with sexism; I just thought it was funny.


So I ask myself is this really the kind of tripe we should be spoon-feeding impressionable young women? I say no its not, literature and film is full of strong female characters (Buffy Summers from Buffy The Vampire Slayer or Lyra Belacqua from The Northern Lights series). You don’t need to go to these badly written novels, when there is literally a world full of amazing escapist books out there.

Why do you read twilight? Would you read real books if they looked like this?

(Photoshop originally by Daisho)